NaBloPoMo: day 1

Today is 1 November, the first day of National Blog Posting Month. I've been pretty slack with posting the last couple of weeks (mostly due to an extreme lack of energy), so I'm going to use NaBloPoMo to help me push through the fatigue (as well doing stuff to help overcome the lethargy).

Today is also the last day of my five-day extra-long weekend. I had plans to make the most of the break, but I've ended up doing very little. I spent most of the weekend horizontal, often asleep but not always. Part of me feels I've wasted the whole five days, but mostly I don't feel bad about it because I needed to rest...and I think I feel better. 

I only have to work three days this week. I moved my day off this week from Friday to Monday, which meant I didn't need to use a day of annual leave, although I would have happily taken a day of leave and worked only two days if I didn't have to contend with monthly billing.  It will be a short week, but a busy one. 

I've been back on anti-depressants - the very small dose I was on before I weaned myself off them - and I feel so much better already. I'm much nicer to be around. If I have to stay on this low dose, then so be it. 

It was great while it lasted

Exhausted face

My happiness didn't last after going off the anti-depressants. Sigh. I guess it took a few weeks for the drug to leave my system, but now that it has, I am The Bitch Monster From Hell. Not a bitch monster. THE Bitch Monster. I am so irritable - often downright angry - and I hate it. 

A lot of people think depression is feeling really sad and hopeless, but it's not just that; in fact, for me, it's not that at all now.  When I first went on medication - six months after my dad died in 2010 - I did have a constant black cloud hanging over me along with other symptoms, including moodiness, negativity and irritability. But when I went back on it in 2013, it was mostly to deal with the latter three symptoms. 

And that's how I am again now. Not all the time - sometimes I do feel calm and relaxed, and I can still have a laugh - but for a fair portion of the last two weeks I've been a cranky bitch. Everything annoys me. I feel rage welling up inside me over small things. I have no patience whatsoever. I haven't been very nice to be around, at home and at work. 

I don't want to be like this so I'm going back on medication tonight. Part of me thinks going back on it - especially because it's such a low dose - is a cop out. I should be able to moderate my emotions without it. I do try, but it's hard and mostly I can't do it so I'm not going to force myself to keep trying. 

In hindsight, it probably wasn't a great time to go off the anti-depressants - well, it was fine when I first started weaning myself off in July, but since the beginning of August I've been sick with one thing after and haven't been sleeping well. It's much harder to be happy when you're sick and exhausted.  

The drugs do work, so I'm gonna take 'em. 

Grumpy, but not totally without glee

I might have spoken too soon about doing well off my meds. I've been in a rotten mood since yesterday, although it could be that I've only had one good night's sleep in the last week and I've been feeling very average for the best part of a month (current state: exhausted + vertiginous). Or it could be that everyone and everything is effing annoying. I just don't know. 

But! I have had some laughs. I finished watching Raised by Wolves last night and cackled and guffawed my way through it. The final episode made me cry laughing - when Yoko (the sensitive/ anxious/depressive daughter) punched a hole in the caravan wall after Germaine killed a rare bee! - and it also made cry  - when Aretha was falling for her economics teacher, but her poor heart was crushed when she saw her teacher kissing her (own) boyfriend on the street. Long-suffering Aretha, the second eldest, nerdy, cynical, sharp-tongued daughter, is my favourite. 

The show was axed after its second season, but there are moves afoot for it to be resurrected. I shall keep my fingers tightly crossed.  

I also had a good laugh at these photos of googly-eyed grass monsters taken by my friend Victoria. I love them. They are ridiculous, adorable and hysterical. I love the playfulness, humour and imagination. 

I'm tempted to head across to the Botanic Gardens with a stash of googly-eyes, since I have no garden of my own.  (Apparently The Reject Shop sells these ones.)

I went to the chemist for something to help me sleep tonight. I'm sure I'll feel better if I can get some quality sleep.  
  

Small binge, socially anti-social, happy

Corner Flinders and Exhibition Streets the other night

I was flicking through the TV channels on Wednesday night when I came to Raised by Wolves on SBS. I'd heard the show, written by writer/broadcaster/feminist Caitlin Moran and her sister, was very funny, so I stopped to watch it and I bloody loved it. It is HILARIOUS. Nearly every line is quotable. Funny and ridiculous and, more often than not, completely gloriously wrong, but quotable. 

I'm not much of a TV watcher and thus not given to binge watching anything (except the screen of my phone), but I decided on Thursday morning I was going to spend today watching all of Raised by Wolves. I realised after two episodes that binge watching is not my thing though, no matter how much I love a show. I was feeling restless and ready to get up and do something else, but I persevered (lying in bed watching TV is such hard work) and watched all of the first series, which is only six episodes long. Then I went back to sleep (I hardly got any sleep last night, but not for any fun reasons). 

End of month drinks at work happened last night because of today's public holiday. I wasn't planning to go because I'm anti-social and still feeling poorly, but it was a friend's last day with the firm so I went and it was fun and now I wish it always happened on the last Thursday of the month.

I've been completely off anti-depressants for about two weeks now and I'm still happy as a pig in poop. Yay. 

  

Happy, happy, happy

Even the rain can't dampen my mood 

Remember that mysterious lightheartedness I wrote about six weeks ago when I went back to work after my holiday up north? Well, it continues! That makes it less of a mystery: I'm happy!

I'm exhausted and I feel like I've been trampled by a herd of wildebeest, but I'm still happy. I wasn't unhappy before, but now I have that little spring of happiness bubbling away inside me and it's delightful. 

Life is pretty good. I absolutely love my four-day weeks and I'm enjoying my job. I'm relishing being free of the urge to splurge on clothes and shoes (three months and counting...). Luke's almost-three-week absence in July/August seems to have made our hearts grow fonder, and not just for a weeks or so. I actually feel excited about seeing him every day when I get home from work. It's like a new romance all over again (only I don't need to shave my legs regularly or leave the room to fart). 

Although I'm not feeling great physically, there has been some improvement on the migraine front. I've gone off prevention medication and I'm only taking a supplement recommended by my neurologist called MigraineCare, which is mostly magnesium and B vitamins. I'm still getting migraines, but the frequency and duration is significantly reduced, and that's gotta be good for my state of mind. (It's no surprise that chronic pain and depression often go hand in hand.) 

Speaking of depression, I decided about a month ago to reduce my (already fairly low) antidepressant dose by half. I tried to halve my dose at the beginning of last year, but it was short-lived because I very quickly returned to being my unmedicated moody, cranky, negative self again. This made me wonder if my recent happiness was really 'real' while I was on medication.

But I'm pleased to report my happiness does indeed seem real. It's actual happiness, not chemically induced. I have noticed a difference, but not in a bad way - I just feel a little more emotional when I see sad things on TV. For example, last week Foreign Correspondent was about China's so-called left-behind children - kids whose parents have left them, usually in the care of relatives, to move to far-away cities for work, ostensibly to earn money to give their kids a better life. But those poor kids barely had any contact with their parents and they were not always treated well by their relatives. One little girl's fondest wish was simply to have a birthday cake. I nearly cried. But I don't think it's bad to feel more if your feelings are 'normal' and healthy. 

I've pondered why I'm doing better on a lower dose this time around and I suspect it's related to my belly. Yep, my belly. Sounds odd, but there is increasing evidence of close links between mental health and gut health. Back at the start of the year my gut was basically a cauldron of nasty bacteria, but after months of diet modification and supplementation to heal my gut, it's functioning vastly better. I can't know for sure, but I reckon a better balance of gut bacteria is related to my more balanced mental state. 

But I'm not spending too much time analysing it; I'm just enjoying it. 

Blog therapy

Grey

I haven't been particularly gleeful lately. I halved my dose of anti-depressants in January and I thought I was doing fine, but in the past few weeks I've been sliding back into feeling grumpy, impatient and flat. I'm so grouchy - often angry - that I'm sick of myself. I should be writing a blog called Grouchy, not Gleeful. 

I'm also still struggling with fatigue, which can't be helping. It's hard to be cheerful while exhausted. I'm trying to do something about the fatigue, but there's no quick fix. 

I'm bored at work.  Since the junior secretary left in October I feel as if I spend most of my work days on menial tasks.  I'm a senior secretary. I have a brain in my head. There has to be more to life than f*cking filing! 

But I like the people I work with and I have a good boss. I worry if I leave I could end up in a job with unpleasant colleagues and a horrible boss and that would add stress to the equation. Except I'm too tired to even think about trying to look for a new job anyway.  I want to do something different, and it's challenging to find your way into a new career even when you know what you'd rather be doing (which I don't*). 

Even if I somehow managed to step into a new career, I don't think I could muster up the focus and alertness to cope with a steep learning curve. The fatigue affects my memory and concentration. Some days thinking is like trying to swim through custard. "Oh, she seemed like such a good fit in the interview, but now I'm starting to think she has custard for brains. Hey, is she sleeping  at her desk?"

So I'm exhausted, grumpy, bored, dissatisfied, unfulfilled... I'm thinking of going back to my original dose of anti-depressants. Yes, I should be looking at non-drug ways of moderating my moods, but taking medication is just easier and I'm not ashamed to say I want to take the easy way out right now. Going to make a doctor's appointment this week...  

I am going to do one non-drug thing to help my moods - March is going to be another blog-every-day month. Blog therapy.  I'll try to actually write about gleeful things, rather than whining. 

* well, actually I do: I'd like to spend six months relaxing at a health resort while someone else pays the bills. 

Day 8: Excited about small things again

Do you remember last year I went to see Bill Bryson deliver the Kenneth Myer public lecture at the Town Hall? Well, I did and I really enjoyed it and I've been wanting to see/listen to it again since. I'm excited to have found the lecture on YouTube and I can't wait to see it again. Something for my weekend to-do list. 

I know that I'm getting back to my normal self after my period of gloom because I'm feeling excited about small things again. When we were in Paris in August waiting in the queue to go up the Eiffel Tower Luke asked me if I was excited and I answered honestly: No. 

WHAAAAT? I knew it was bizarre to be in Paris for the first time and not feel excited - to not feel even remotely exhilarated like I was on my trip to New York - but that's how I felt. Then a few weeks ago I was researching a day trip to Maryborough in central Victoria and I got a little bit excited about visiting a tiny village called Bung Bong, which has an abandoned church and an old bridge. Eiffel Tower? Whatever. Bung Bong? Wheee!  (In the end we forgot to go to Bung Bong!)

I had a miniscule spider scrawling on my had on the way home. Its body was smaller than a pinhead and it had to climb over the tiny fine hairs on my hand. People on the tram must have wondered why I was so fascinated by my own hand. 

My iPod battery hit empty just as I arrived home tonight. It's the second time that's happened in the last week. 

Day 5: Mindfulness through photography

I had a "me too!" moment yesterday when I read an ABC News story about a new book on mindfulness through photography. Capturing Mindfulness is written by Sydney author, illustrator and public speaker Matthew Johnstone, who says buying a camera helped him to overcome years of depression. 

I went out and bought a camera, and in many ways I believe this camera saved my bacon. It was through this camera that I realised the whole concept and idea of being in the moment...Photography at the end of the day is really about stopping, it's really about seeing what's in front of us, it's really about stopping and focusing and it's about capturing that moment.

Me too! Well, in a way...Photography hasn't saved me from depression, but it has had the pleasing side effect of taking photos is that I take more notice of my surroundings. I see more. I actively look for things. My experience of my world is richer and I feel more connected to it. It gets me out of my head and into the world. Writing Gleeful contributes to this too, of course, since I need to take notice of life's little pleasures. 

Matthew Johnstone is also gets excited about being in industrial areas where there are rusty pipes and peeling paint, so we have that photographic obsession in common as well.  

I was meant to have them

I've had my eye on a pair of boots in an online shop and every now and then I check to see if they are on sale. This afternoon they were still at full price, significantly more than I would usually spend on shoes. Then five minutes after I checked, the store tweeted about their 20% off sale (I don't even follow them - it was a promoted tweet). I couldn't resist. Now they are mine. Hopefully we get a little more mild weather so I can wear them before autumn!

I'm 34

I was quite pleased today to learn that my fitness age is younger than my actual age - 34, rather than 41. That was my result when I said I exercise two to three times a week and go "all out", which I do at the gym. When I put in that I exercise at a lower level of intensity nearly every day, as I do when I walk to work, my fitness age is 38. Either way, younger than 41.    

NaBloPoMo day 1: The return of glee

Hello, world. It's been a while. Glee has been a little thin on the ground for the last few months and I've been too glum/tired/lazy to force myself to keep blogging through it like I've done in previous gloomy periods.

But I've been feeling more myself the last few weeks (yay for medication) and the urge to blog has slowly returned. Since it's NaBloPoMo time again (already) I thought I'd use it to get back myself back in blogging habit. Yes, I'll be back tomorrow. And the day after. Etc.

Finding things to write about isn't likely to be a challenge because I intend write about stuff that happened while I wasn't blogging - including my trip to England and Paris in August. But I'll start with more mundane stuff. 

I had my performance review at work today and it went well - the partners are happy with my efforts. Not that I expected it to go badly, but for most of the past six months I have felt unmotivated, unenthusiastic and - for a few weeks after my holiday - almost inert. I was sure my funk must have been obvious, but either it wasn't or I met expectations regardless. Whichever. Thankfully, since I've been chirpier, I've been much less inert at work. 

Today is Friday and it was sunny after a yet another week of chilly, grey days. Melbourne is having an unusually chilly, grey spring so today's sunshine was very welcome. Tomorrow is going to be warm too. 

I gave blood today. They had gluten-free mud cake in the cafe. 

Now for something different

I've been thinking about writing this post for a while, usually when someone who reads Gleeful connects with me on Twitter or Facebook. It doesn't happen often, but when it does   I worry - a little, not a lot - that they will be surprised or disappointed to find out what I'm really like. 

If you only 'know' me from Gleeful, you might think I'm always cheerful and upbeat. I'm not. If you've read the little blurb in the sidebar you'll know I didn't start this blog because I was always super-happy and felt I had a duty to help make the world a happier place. I started it to lift my spirits after the end of a relationship*. I am generally happier since I started the blog, but there have been times I haven't been happy at all. In fact, for some of the time I've been writing the blog, I've been treated for depression. 

The blog is genuinely me, just not all of me. The bits you don't read about here? I have a short temper, especially when I'm exhausted, and I'm never not tired; it's just a matter of degree. I have very little patience. I'm often oversensitive. I'm moody. I'm a sulker. I can be judgemental. 

I have a veritable menagerie of pet hates, and a very low tolerance for people who exhibit the behaviours that annoy me.  I quite often have a low tolerance for people in general. I not only think mean thoughts about people, I often share them online. I complain about my job and the people I work with. I complain about people who complain too much. I swear quite a lot. 

What you'll get on Twitter or Facebook is a more rounded me. I'm not Pollyanna. I'm just normal.

* Gleeful has lasted a helluva lot longer than that relationship did.