I haven't been particularly gleeful lately. I halved my dose of anti-depressants in January and I thought I was doing fine, but in the past few weeks I've been sliding back into feeling grumpy, impatient and flat. I'm so grouchy - often angry - that I'm sick of myself. I should be writing a blog called Grouchy, not Gleeful.
I'm also still struggling with fatigue, which can't be helping. It's hard to be cheerful while exhausted. I'm trying to do something about the fatigue, but there's no quick fix.
I'm bored at work. Since the junior secretary left in October I feel as if I spend most of my work days on menial tasks. I'm a senior secretary. I have a brain in my head. There has to be more to life than f*cking filing!
But I like the people I work with and I have a good boss. I worry if I leave I could end up in a job with unpleasant colleagues and a horrible boss and that would add stress to the equation. Except I'm too tired to even think about trying to look for a new job anyway. I want to do something different, and it's challenging to find your way into a new career even when you know what you'd rather be doing (which I don't*).
Even if I somehow managed to step into a new career, I don't think I could muster up the focus and alertness to cope with a steep learning curve. The fatigue affects my memory and concentration. Some days thinking is like trying to swim through custard. "Oh, she seemed like such a good fit in the interview, but now I'm starting to think she has custard for brains. Hey, is she sleeping at her desk?"
So I'm exhausted, grumpy, bored, dissatisfied, unfulfilled... I'm thinking of going back to my original dose of anti-depressants. Yes, I should be looking at non-drug ways of moderating my moods, but taking medication is just easier and I'm not ashamed to say I want to take the easy way out right now. Going to make a doctor's appointment this week...
I am going to do one non-drug thing to help my moods - March is going to be another blog-every-day month. Blog therapy. I'll try to actually write about gleeful things, rather than whining.
* well, actually I do: I'd like to spend six months relaxing at a health resort while someone else pays the bills.