Walking through the Target Arcade in the city last night, my friend Anthony spotted this funny sign tacked to the front of a take-away food outlet called Health Conscious.
I love its many layers of amusement. Firstly, the y at the end of 'health'. What have they got against healthy unconscious people, huh? And do they actually refuse to serve people who are conscious but not healthy? How can you confidently spot someone who isn't health conscious? Have they established a standard of health consciousness one has to meet before being served? Perhaps a questionnaire to be completed before you get your lunch? Do you need to tell your server your BMI?
The use of capital letters on ONLY suggests they are quite cross with junk-food loving slobs and determined to turn them away. Were they exasperated by a steady stream of befuddled people asking for Mars Bars wrapped in bacon and fried in lard with a straight whisky and ciggie at 9.00am? Is this their equivalent of a 'No hawkers' or 'No change given for parking meters' sign that's stuck up in the hope of repelling time wasting nuisances? Like people with a hankering for hot chips?
And what if someone looks like they love junk food but has just decided to turn over a new lettuce leaf? Should they be spurned in their attempts to eat better? I think not! Lunch nazis!
I am tempted to go there on Monday and see if I can find any item of food available that I deem a little bit nutritionally dodgy, perhaps something that's not low enough in fat and salt. No, wait! I am going to go and ask for a Mars Bar wrapped in bacon and deep-fried in lard, a whisky and a ciggie, just to watch smoke come out their nostrils as they gesticulate wildy at the sign. Yes indeedy.