Tuesday, October 18, 2016

It was great while it lasted

Exhausted face

My happiness didn't last after going off the anti-depressants. Sigh. I guess it took a few weeks for the drug to leave my system, but now that it has, I am The Bitch Monster From Hell. Not a bitch monster. THE Bitch Monster. I am so irritable - often downright angry - and I hate it. 

A lot of people think depression is feeling really sad and hopeless, but it's not just that; in fact, for me, it's not that at all now.  When I first went on medication - six months after my dad died in 2010 - I did have a constant black cloud hanging over me along with other symptoms, including moodiness, negativity and irritability. But when I went back on it in 2013, it was mostly to deal with the latter three symptoms. 

And that's how I am again now. Not all the time - sometimes I do feel calm and relaxed, and I can still have a laugh - but for a fair portion of the last two weeks I've been a cranky bitch. Everything annoys me. I feel rage welling up inside me over small things. I have no patience whatsoever. I haven't been very nice to be around, at home and at work. 

I don't want to be like this so I'm going back on medication tonight. Part of me thinks going back on it - especially because it's such a low dose - is a cop out. I should be able to moderate my emotions without it. I do try, but it's hard and mostly I can't do it so I'm not going to force myself to keep trying. 

In hindsight, it probably wasn't a great time to go off the anti-depressants - well, it was fine when I first started weaning myself off in July, but since the beginning of August I've been sick with one thing after and haven't been sleeping well. It's much harder to be happy when you're sick and exhausted.  

The drugs do work, so I'm gonna take 'em. 

1 comment:

a work in progress said...

I'm sorry to hear you've had such a rough trot, jayne :(

It's weird how we are about *mind meds*... no-one thinks 'oh i should be able to moderate my blood glucose levels without insulin' if they are diabetic, do they?

Sometimes it's as simple as a chemical imbalance, that no amount of intellectualising and willpower could ever fix!

I've been on my anti-anxiety meds for 4 yrs now, and yes sometimes i worry about being on them indefinitely, but i'll take that over the horrors of pre-med me any day!

Hope you are feeling much better soon.

Big love xxx